Today, I’m going to unload a few things — mainly because I’m freaking tired, and partly because I do what I want.
This thing they call “mom guilt” is real. 1000% real. And if I’m being honest with you, most of the time, I hate leaving my child with someone else all day. Of course, some days are better than others, and I have never felt like I was leaving him in the hands of someone not capable of properly caring for him. But this week — this week, has been hard.
Boo got his 15 month shots on Tuesday – he’s pushing through molars, and he has a little bit of a cold. Needless to say, my little man is not feeling well. He has not slept the past two days – at all. Waking up every few hours, and constantly upset. Not to mention, B has been gone this week, and doesn’t come back until tonight.
Last night, when I put him down, he woke up an hour later. I went back in and got to rock him back to sleep. I stayed with him for about half an hour just rocking him and smoothing his hair. He fell asleep, and let me put him back in his crib. About two hours later, he woke up again, but this time, there was no putting him back in his crib, so I let him come and sleep with me in my bed – which is something I have not ever done. As soon as he laid down with me, he went straight to sleep, and didn’t wake up until I got up to get ready for work, when I had to put him in his crib and listen to him cry it out while I was in the shower.
It absolutely broke my heart that he was feeling so awful that all he wanted was mama snuggles. You see, this kid is usually on the go and despises snuggles. And it made it no better when I tried to drop him off this morning at daycare, and he cried and cried and reached up for me – which he has done a few times, but not to the extent as this morning. I felt horrible. I got so angry at having to go to work instead of being with my baby who feels so horrible. I got into my car and broke down. I was so angry and heartbroken that I had to leave him there, for other people to take care of him.
I called the daycare this morning to check on him – which is something I have never done. They assured me that while he was a little teary-eyed, he was still playing like normal and interacting with the other kids like he usually does. What was supposed to make me feel better, in fact, made me feel even worse. I felt bad that there were other people comforting him and making him feel better – I felt bad that he was being held by someone who is not his mom.
Moral of the story – today is a bad day. I am on the verge of crying almost every few minutes, and all I can think about is how bad my kid feels, and I am unable to be there for him. It is hard — even just writing this out is hard. And this isn’t a sympathy post – I just felt the need to come over here and just write it all out. I know that I’m not a horrible mom, but that doesn’t dismiss the feelings that I actually feel. And what’s a good blog post, if not honest? I am counting down the hours till I can go and scoop him up and give him a giant kiss – even if the baby snot does get all over me.