Earlier this week when I was picking up S from daycare, the teacher told me that he had been fighting more than normal – pushing and hitting, and that he had pushed another kid into a changing table.
I was completely shocked. Like mouth on the floor, what the hell is going on shocked. He’s always been kind of a hitter – not even really hitting, like swatting at us when he doesn’t get his own way – and we tell him if he does it one more time, he gets a time out. He normally does end up getting the time-out, but after that, he doesn’t do it again for the rest of the night.
I immediately texted my sister after all of this happened, and she was like “Laura, the kid was out of his routine for an entire week, not around kids like normal — he probably just needs a few days to get back into his routine.” And I hope she’s right, because that brings on a whole other reason of feeling like a shit parent – leaving him for an entire week.
I hate this feeling – the feeling that I am never doing enough and feeling horrible over every little thing. If it’s nice out, but I really don’t feel like going to sit outside, and we just play inside. Shit parent. When I lose my temper over him not eating. Shit parent. When we read two books at bedtime, and he really wants another, but I really just want to put him to bed and have a glass of wine. Shit parent.
Does the feeling ever stop that you’re just not doing enough, or that you’re just not good enough? Do you ever not feel like a shit parent? My word for the year was supposed to be grace. I have obviously failed miserable with it. Parenting is so damn hard – I don’t know if I will ever get the hang of it, or feel that I’m good at it. I love my kiddo of course, but I would love to stop blaming myself for everything or feeling bad over every little thing. Please parents of older children who have been doing this for a long time – please tell me that it ends!