I’ve talked about running this half marathon, and now since I’m just under a week shy of actually going to run the thing, I guess I should talk about why. Yes, it has helped with my post partum weight loss, but that was only an added benefit. There’s a lot of things I don’t talk about much on this blog, because it’s personal, but training and getting to this point is personal to me.
Most of my adult life, I always felt like I was some kind of not good enough. My self-esteem was destroyed in high school by a guy I liked who called me a dog. And the sad part is, I have let that continue to eat at me well into my 30’s. From that point on, I was never good enough for any guy, or if a guy would take interest in me, I immediately knew that it was going to end, because I would be found out. Unfortunately, this delusion took a giant toll on what I would do to try to obtain the perfect that I thought everyone was looking for. In the form of disordered eating and distorted body image. I would work out twice a day, and I would consume less than 300 calories a day. I was taking enough diet pills to make my nose bleed. I was pretty much killing myself to compensate not feeling good enough – exercising and not eating were things I could control, so control them I did.
That not feeling good enough ran straight through to when I got my first job. All of a sudden, I wasn’t good enough to get that promotion, or I wasn’t good enough to do that project. I busted my butt at work, but it never seemed like it was enough. Whatever I was doing was not enough. I still struggle with this today.
So what does all of this have to do with running a half marathon? Well — Because I am good enough. I am good enough to train for five long months to run it. I am good enough to be healthy and strong. With this run that has been a long time goal for me — I am proving to myself, and to everyone else who I’ve let destroy my sense of self, that I am good enough. With every mile I run next Saturday, I’m going to strip every negative thought about myself not being good enough. Every single one. The long nights and mornings of long training runs will all be worth it when I cross that finish line – it doesn’t just cross off a goal, it helps me to become whole again.