Usually, when I come to this space, it’s to share something happy or something cool that I’m digging at the moment. I’ve occasionally talked about my struggles with body image, but even that is very rare. I like to use this space as a sort of photo diary – especially with a growing kid. It’s fun to document all of his birthdays, all of his firsts and have them compacted into this little corner on the internet.
But then I remember that sometimes, I just want to come here to write. Sometimes it’s hard to just keep all those feelings and emotions bottled up. I’m sure the majority of people are feeling this right now, but I am just burned the fuck out.
I read an article this week on how this pandemic is changing the mental health – specifically for millennial mothers – which I happen to be. (I still fervently believe there should be a separate group for those of us that didn’t have cell phones until the latter years of high school/into college, but for now, I will identify with that term.) I know that I am lucky to have an involved spouse, and that we pretty much split the child care and household chores down the middle – but sometimes just the thought that I have to get up, get Sheffield in the shower, get breakfast ready, get myself ready for the day (which now is just making sure I have all my computer parts where they need to be) – drive him to school, work all day, pick him up at 2:45, come back home, make sure he’s sufficiently entertained (sometimes this solely consists of time on his pad or a PBS show or two), make dinner, get him ready for bed, get him in bed, finish up whatever chores need done around the house – try to fit in a shower or something resembling one – then get myself in bed. Just to get up and do it all again the next morning.
Most days, I will use my “lunch hour” to work out – so I don’t take that time away from Sheffield when he does get home – but even that is getting tiresome. I have suffered from extreme burn out from my job for quite awhile now – I’ve learned how to deal with that, but what I struggle with is just those thoughts in the morning- what am I working toward? Is there any sort of light at the end of the tunnel? Will they ever create a laundry-doing robot??
There’s a line from Bruce Springsteen’s Dancing in the Dark that I always think about when I get in this burn-out mode: I ain’t nothing but tired. Man I’m just tired and bored with myself. I’m sure we’re all there to some extent with Covid fatigue and basically just living the same days over and over again – but how in the world do you get yourself out of this funk – this seemingly never-ending cycle of crap?
I don’t really have any other options other than to just chug along – keeping status quo until something gives. Someone please reach out and tell me I’m not alone in all of these feelings?