Lately, a feeling that I thought I had long since said good-bye to crept back in. It’s a feeling that’s always sort of been there in the back of my mind, but something that has until recently, I’ve been able to keep hidden.
You guys – I’ve got daycare blues. As Sheffield keeps growing and doing more and more things, I get so sad and upset that I am missing him growing up. And he is growing so fast these days, that I’m afraid they’re just going to pass, and the only memories I will have are dropping him off and picking him up from daycare.
And not only that, but then the guilt sets in. Am I a terrible mom because I just throw my kid in daycare? Then when he gets home, he’s usually so worn out from daycare that I barely get any time with him. I live for my weekends, but are two days enough to show him that I love him to the moon and back? Does he know just how much I love him?
He’s just recently started to not wanting to be held as much, because he just wants to crawl and scoot around on the floor, being as curious as he can be. I hate to admit it, but it hurts that I can’t just sit and hold him like I used to. And then I get upset, again, because I missed out on all those baby days where he wants nothing but to be snuggled and held. This parenting thing is rough, and I find myself just wanting to be around him all the time, so I don’t miss out on anything. I know this isn’t practical, but sometimes it just tugs on my heartstrings. When I see that sweet little face asleep, and snuggled up against my chest, I don’t want to move. I’d sleep all night on the couch with him on my chest if B let me.
When B asks what’s wrong, or why I don’t want to give him up (those are my baby snuggles dammit), the only answer I can give is, I just miss him. I miss nuzzling my nose into his sweet baby smell – I miss looking into his big brown eyes and making him smile. I miss it all.
I’m sure (well, I hope anyway) that these feelings will pass. I know that he knows that I love him, and I will just keep on cherishing the time I do have with him, knowing that every second is something special.